I Started Seeing My Ex Again but Were Not Official

Why getting dorsum with an ex is and so compelling

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You broke up, for good reasons. And then why do so many former couples reunite further downwardly the line?

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Earlier this summer, 17 years after they split, Jennifer Lopez and Ben Affleck got back together – and triggered an internet avalanche of early 2000s nostalgia, glamorous glory intrigue and cultural analyses. They're a power couple, and tabloids and Twitter users alike tin't look away.

But perhaps the near relatable reason regular people are and so fascinated by what's otherwise a celebrity-gossip story is that exes found dear again.

For many, navigating ex-partners is a reality of romance. That reality tin be negative – one filled with cautionary tales and former partners who tin can't take a hint. But rebuilding a relationship can besides be a tempting venture and even a goal for some people, specially when the success stories sound like something out of a fairy tale. Plus, enquiry suggests the amount of couples who intermission upward and become back together is as high every bit 50%.

The pandemic has even accelerated this process for some: amid a global health crunch and lone, sexless lockdowns, many people constitute themselves reaching out to an ex, hoping to find that former spark.

Experts say that, if both former partners are interested, pulling a 'Bennifer' of your own can yield positive benefits – if you're willing to put in a lot of work, and have an open mind.

What draws people to exes

1 of the biggest upsides of re-entering a former relationship is that you mostly know what you're getting into. "In that location can be some real advantages to really knowing a partner well before giving a long-term relationship a try again," says Michael McNulty, a couples therapist in Chicago and trainer at the Gottman Found, an arrangement that studies relationships and offers counseling.

McNulty says every romantic relationship has "perpetual differences". These are points of possible conflict, like navigating a shared living space, coin, sex, kids, friends, family and more than. Even happy couples have them, since a relationship is always fundamentally two different people with unlike personalities and worldviews.

Getting back together with an ex can atomic number 82 to a fairy-tale happy ending, but just if both partners seriously revisit what went incorrect before, experts say (Credit: Getty Images)

McNulty says, co-ordinate to Gottman Found research, these perpetual differences make upward 69% of the problems most couples face in a relationship. Long-lasting, slow-burning bug are the real relationship poison – not large, explosive, single events or confrontations. "Virtually marriages or relationships end by ice instead of fire," says McNulty. Some couples "find information technology too hard to talk about or work on differences around key bug. They frequently grow more than distant, and [become] more similar roommates than they are spouses or lovers."

That's why some people may want to go back together with an old partner, or to try and stick it out with their current i. Because while we often get into a new relationship expecting information technology'll be meliorate than the concluding, McNulty urges some caution: "If you lot're in a relationship and you're thinking virtually leaving, exist careful, because yous're basically trading 69% of perpetual differences with one partner with 69% of perpetual differences for another."

Then if you get back with an ex, y'all at least already know what those perpetual differences are going to be. Getting into the groove of the relationship could feel like less hassle than meeting someone new and starting from scratch.

"You're picking up where you left off," says Judith Kuriansky, relationship and sex therapist, and adjunct professor of psychology and education at Teachers College, Columbia Academy, in New York City. For some people, it feels "improve to become back to someone that you lot kind of know something about, than someone you don't know anything virtually".

Jubilant what's changed

Another benefit to getting back with an ex is awareness of what's changed in the time you've spent autonomously. Y'all may be disadvantaged when dating someone brand new, because y'all're not aware of how they might accept grown and changed in a positive way over fourth dimension. With an ex, y'all get more of a before-and-after snapshot. Kuriansky says i of the most common reasons for exes rebooting their romance is "feeling like they've grown and matured".

Violette de Ayala is the Miami-based CEO of a women's networking organisation chosen FemCity, who'southward spoken publicly almost how she remarried her ex-hubby of 20 years in 2019. "When we started to date again, it was nice because we knew each other, but certain elements of us had inverse," she says. "We both worked on areas we needed to piece of work on while autonomously, and we were in many means 'new' to i another."

"The elements of ourselves that evolved made reconnecting a beautiful process while working through some of the pain from the intermission-up," adds de Ayala. "He no longer took our relationship for granted. He started to become me thoughtful gifts, and will at present stop randomly and share his beloved for me and appreciation. That didn't be the first fourth dimension around."

Conversely, if you lot've spent a long time away from someone, become back together and find that you autumn into the same toxic patterns as earlier with that person, that knowledge tin can be advantageous, as well. Sensing that y'all're going to run into the same headaches all over once more could give yous the foresight to avoid the same disaster twice.

"Sometimes, with the wisdom of years and experiences in other relationships, people feel like, 'oh gosh, maybe I tin work through that gridlock result nosotros had'," says McNulty. Only he stresses the key is "people need to know what their irreconcilable issues were before, and really have an honest look at whether or not everything's unlike now".

Rekindling an former romance is definitely non for everyone, human relationship experts say, merely the familiarity that exists can pb to possible benefits (Credit: Getty Images)

'Apocalyptic love and sexual practice'

Earlier you first sliding into your ex'southward DMs, ask yourself why you're doing information technology – because plenty can go incorrect.

While one of the joys of getting back with an ex is the condolement or familiarity, Kuriansky says that longing for comfort tin can be misplaced, especially lately as we seem to alive amid constant anarchy. Last May, when lockdowns were rolling out, research from Indiana University's Kinsey Institute, which studies sex and relationships, suggested that equally many as i in five people were texting their exes while in isolation.

"I phone call it 'apocalyptic dearest and sex activity'," she says. "Which is, 'there ain't no tomorrow, so I meliorate settle'." Kuriansky has studied romance during periods of disaster and terrorism, and says it's common for people to reconnect with by lovers due to "the sense at that place could not be a tomorrow – at present with Afghanistan, natural disasters everywhere, [people feel like] they're living in a state of Armageddon", so they want to go dorsum to a person who at one fourth dimension provided love and security.

Accept a hard wait at why you're reaching out to an erstwhile flame. Is information technology because you're trying to quiet feet from scary news headlines by seeking condolement from an old flame, and non because y'all actually miss the relationship and are willing to go through the very real try of making it work? If it'south the latter, take that as a red flag.

Kuriansky likewise advises soliciting the feedback of friends and family earlier pursuing an ex. Many may react negatively, especially if the relationship concluded badly. But the purpose of this exercise isn't to invite judgment from loved ones; rather, they can bring you back down to Earth and remind yous why the relationship was problematic.

"Exist prepared for other people'due south opinions. Most people volition say, 'What? You're getting back together? Are you kidding? Why?' They're going to bring up all those memories, so how are you going to deal with that?" says Kuriansky.

Be ready to face those memories – not just with yourself and with your loved ones, just with your ex themselves, which can be the hardest role. "That is i piece that was rather challenging and we had to work through. Leaving the by in the past," says de Ayala. "There is then much history that can be dragged up, merely at that place has to be a mutual understanding that from hither forward, forgiveness, communication and the feeling of [starting] afresh" is what will carry the relationship further into the future, she says.

Many of us may find ourselves longing for a lost beloved. If we become about information technology in a realistic, healthy style, it could, perchance, piece of work out – if both people are on the same page.

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Source: https://www.bbc.com/worklife/article/20210830-why-getting-back-with-an-ex-is-so-compelling